The Bitch of Losing

Hello Again

2009-09-23T10:39:00.000-06:00

Hello everybody.

It's been a long time since I posted anything.
My life has been in such a whirldwind since the middle of May.
So much has changed.

My sister passed away in June and my Mom passed away in August of this year.
In the past two weeks, 4 people that either I knew, or had some connection to, have died.
I am watching quite a few friends going through major life changes and trying to be there as best I can for them. It's hard, because I see what they are going through, and I don't have the skills to help them.. I just hope by being present with them, I bring them a calm and peaceful presence in thier lives to help them with their decisions they have to make.

But good things have happened too.
I decided to go back to school and I am loving it.
I finally have a direction that was missing or I was to busy to see for myself.
I want a career in dipolmacy. The UN or maybe with an international company of some kind. I am taking french at school. I hope to do something in Africa or Asia, and both of these countries speak french as well as their native languages. I will also be taking some chinese in the future.
I have a World Politics professor that is challenging me and I love it!!

I have decided to start working on my physical health as wellas my mental health again.
I am starting by just walking for 20 -30 minutes a day. It's a good start. Plus I am going back to WW. I know it works. I just need to get back in the groove of it. I feel so much better when I eat healthy and exercise.

I want to go running with my friend Patricia in Az. next year. It is just one of many goals that I will talk about and share with you on this blog.

One of the most important things that has happened to me this summer, is that I am learning who I am. I am gaining my life back. I see where I want to go in life. Now I just need to stay on my path and work towrds those goals. I hope you learn something from me and I learn from you along the way. I hope we can help each other. We all need help sometimes. And it's okay to need that help. We need to help each other. Thats what friends are for.

So... Here I go again.
I will try to update at least once a week and I look forward from hearing from you.

Michele

Where am I?

2009-05-16T10:42:00.006-06:00

One Sad Panda

Just like me

Hello everybody.

I know.. Long time, no see.

I have been having a hard lately and haven't been in the mood to blog.

For whatever reason, my depression has decided to mess with my mind.

And I hate when that happens.

Do I try new medications, exercise more.... shoot myself...

So many choices... so little time.

Just in case you were wondering, I will try more exercise and medications first.

My life just seemed to be falling down all around me and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

All I could do was sit and watch everything go to hell.

Well now I am trying to get back to whatever normal is.

Trying to figure out what my goals are and how to reach them.

What do I really want?

Are my goals attainable?

Or am I just fooling myself?

Will I be able to reach my weight goals?

(Did I mention that I fired my trainer??)

Do I truly want to go back to school and finish up my degree in the MBA program?

Or do I go back to school and do what I think I really want to do?

Do I go back and get a degree in fine art photography?

Do I go into music? ....... most likely not.... But I do love playing.

Maybe I should rename this The Bitch of Losing... And Gaining...

Gaining a clue that is.

So here we go again.

Please stick around for the ride.

It should at least be interesting.

Help From Friends

2009-04-14T17:48:00.002-06:00

I know.....

It has been awhile.

My brain has been on vacation.

So has the 3 Mo's!!!!!

But I am back and with a new spirit!

I Will be turning 42 in June.

I KNOW!!!!

So hard to believe it!!!

But what can I tell you....

Black don't crack!!!

But my new goal is in the next 9 weeks or so is to lose 42 pounds!!!

It is not going to be easy!!!

That's why what I need you!!

Any and all help would be appreciated!!!!

To let you know what I am doing.....

Yoga for an hour a week.

African dance for 90 minutes twice a week.

Strength Training 6 days a week

Swimming one hour, 3 days a week (Starting in a week)

Walking 6 days a week in the morning for 45 minutes

This is about it.

Sunday is my day off.

This is how I plan to live my life for the next 8-9 weeks.

I did it last week for the most part and I felt great.

The only thing is at Weight Watchers, I gained 4 lbs.

But I have a pair of jeans that fall off of me!!

A sweater that I used to have to pull the upper sleeves to make sure it would fit my upper arms... No more of that!!

I think it's muscle.. I have muscles I thought had died over the years that are showing up now!!!

And they are sore!!!

So help me reach this goal!!!

See ya Soon!

ONLY 2.2 LBS??!!?!? WTF!!!!

2009-03-10T20:01:00.006-06:00

What do you mean, I have only lost 2.2lbs?!?!?!

Do you have any idea how long I have been riding that bike and the gym??

Do you realize that my butt and that bike seat are having a relationship without my permission??

How many dumb bells do I have to lift???

Do I have to write it down if I chew on my pen and count the points???

What the hell does it take to lose this damn weight???

Okay... okay....

Breathing.... In... Out... In... Out.........

I am a little bit frustrated.

Just thought I would let you know in case you didn't get that earlier.

Okay okay... 2.2 lbs is a good thing.

I will take it.

I just want MORE!!!!!

Breathing.....

It's just that I am trying so hard.

Maybe I just need to relax a bit.

What do you think???

I am taking tonight off from the gym.

Taking a walk in the morning to clear my head and think things through.

Maybe I am missing something somewhere.

I will check my food journal and start over fresh tomorrow.

I will also journal my training program.

We just started a new strength program... give it time to work.

Okay.. I am breathing again...

Sort of...

I will check in with you tomorrow after a good night of sleep and a few good sips of a vodka martini... Filthy ... Very Filthy!!

And no... I am not counting the olives tonight...

I have counted everything else!!!!!

Good Night!

Flat Tire

2009-03-06T14:39:00.011-07:00

I didn't make it to weight watchers again! I KNOW!!! We had a flat tire. No big deal.. Change it in the morning right? Wrong... The spare was flat! I was so annoyed. And this was a week that I was actually looking forward to weighing in. It had been a good week. But oh well... such is life.

But I did make it to the gym 5 times last week!!

That is the least amount of time I am allowing myself to go.

This week I am trying for 6 times... I really do feel better after working out.

For the last two days I have been doing mainly cardio and I have been able to do 40 minutes on Cybex cycle from hell!!

It's quite the workout!!

I am going to add 10 minutes a week until I hit 1 hour, then I will start adding the elliptical to my workout too.

I hate that thing!!!

Cardio is going to become an everyday activity for me. Mostly at the gym but also at home. There is a park across the street from my home and it has a 1/3 mile track and a play ground that I can use as my own outdoor gym.

Also going to try getting up earlier in the mornings and going for a simple walk/stroll. This will come in handy when summer gets to NM and it is hot by 9:30 in the morning.

Walk a half hour in the morning

Eat a light breakfast

Go to the gym and get Cardio and Strength done

This is a good way to start the day.

I think I can make this work. It won't be easy. I am married to a person who HATES the morning.. so no support there. He supports me...

'Honey... close the blinds when you leave... it's too bright out there. And have a good... (snoring noise goes here)'

So I was thinking about the things that my weight has kept me from.

here is my first top 10 list!!!

TOP 10 LIST OF THE NOT SO SIMPLE THINGS

1. FLYING WITHOUT NEEDING THE EXTENDING SEAT BELT. WHEN I HIT MY GOAL WEIGHT COACH WILL FEEL LIKE FIRST CLASS!!!

2. SIT IN A THEATRE WITHOUT FEELING SCRUNCHED INTO MY SEAT.

3. WALK THROUGH A TURNSTILE WITHOUT HAVING TO WIGGLE THROUGH IT.

4. WALK UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND NOT HAVE TO CATCH MY BREATH.

6. BUY CLOTHES I REALLY REALLY LIKE!

7. GET LOOKS WHILE WALKING DOWN THE STREET FOR HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM, NOT BECAUSE OF MY SIZE.

8. GO ON ROLLER COASTERS AGAIN!!

9. NOT LET MY WEIGHT HOLD ME BACK FROM ME BEING ME!

10. LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY IT IS MEANT TO BE LIVED ~ ALL OUT, OUT LOUD, OPEN, LOVING, WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS, ENJOYING LIFE ~ REALLY LIVING MY LIFE!!

No Weigh-In For ME!!!!!

2009-02-25T17:53:00.005-07:00

YES!

I took the week off from Weight Watchers.

I don't think I need to go every week.

But I did take some measurements...

Oh... that was so much fun.

Not!!

But I didn't too bad.

A 1/8 of an inch here and there..

1/4 of an inch there...

So not too bad at all.

I know that I have been lazy when it comes to keeping my weight loss journal going. I really do need to keep on track with that.

That might be the reason I feel like I have hit a plateau when it comes to weight loss this week.

So I am back on track with that.

Also, we have been eating very late because of Paul's schedule for the past few weeks.

I need to get in a half hour walk before turning in for the night.

Eat late ~ that's okay if....

I am smart about what I am eating so late at night...

I get in a good half hour walk before going home for the evening...

Eat smartly all day long...

not that hard to do.

Luckily tonight will not be a late night.

But maybe I will go for that walk anyway.

Wow.. that makes sense.

Who knew that keeping a blog would help me say on track?

Putting this part of my life out in the open and on the internet has been good for several reasons:

1. I want to succeed at this life goal.

2.My family and friends have been amazing and I don't want to let them down.

3. I don't want to let myself down either.

4. I enjoy feeling this good and I know it will only keep getting better as I go!!!!

Thanks everyone!

Here's to a week of journaling and working out!

I wish every person in the world had the support team I have!!

Thank you again!

Damn Cheetos!!

2009-02-21T10:28:00.012-07:00

I walk into Walgreen's to grab a quick V8 juice (no, I did not get the Vodka to go with it!),

and there they were....

Flamin' Hot Cheetos!!!

Staring me down.

I calmly walked past them and kept going towards the drink section.

I looked up, and they were watching me!!!!!

Then they started talking to me...

'Yo baby.... come on over here.... we need to chat'

Next thing I know... well we did talk a little bit..... But walked away!

Then all of a sudden they were chasing me and screaming at me!!

I had to do it.

Yes I bought them.

OMG... What do I do now....

You have to understand something....

I have been known to turn the empty bag inside out and lick the last remaining crumbs out of the bag.

I get the 'cheese dust' on my cheeks!

I KNOW......

It is a sickness

They call to me ~

They invade my dreams ~

They Follow me in the grocery stores ~

They have been know to write me LOVE letter!!!!!

F@*&!!!!!

What is a human to do??

F@*& it!

I ate the bag.....

And those extra two hours at the gym are worth it!!!!!

Elliptical Machine... here I come!!!

It Was Tuesday... I Weighed In......

2009-02-18T18:05:00.003-07:00

I weighed in yesterday.

I lost .6lbs.

Not a very large loss, but, a loss is a loss.

I will take it!

But here is the thing....

I had to go and buy new pants and some other stuff.

Guess what?

The pants are 2 sizes smaller than what I had bought last time!!

I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had noticed that my jeans were falling off of me lately.

Okay.... I needed a belt and suspenders...... I hate the idea of buying

something that will only fit for a few weeks or so.

But I had to...

Paul was getting tired of holding my hand and my pants at the same time!!

I probably gained muscle.

I have been trying to workout more.

In fact.. this week I plan on going to the gym at least 5 -6 times.

Maybe I will gain 6 pounds and go down 6 sizes next week!!

What a dreamer I am!!

But you never know... do you??

The 3 Mo's... Motivation ~ Moderation ~ Momentum

2009-02-14T16:14:00.006-07:00

If this happens to me....

Shoot me!!!!

Why Can't I get the three Mos' to work together with me???

Did I make one of them angry??

I can get two of them to show up... but, Momentum has been absent for a bit.

Was it something I said??

Motivation~

Got it!

I want to be healthier, stronger, faster,... no wait.. that's the bionic woman...

No.. that is correct...

Healthier, stronger faster, and happier.

I feel so much better after going to the gym.

The soreness after strength training is a good thing.

(I know.. sick isn't it??)

Working out helps my depression.

It is one of the best things for it and me.

I can work out my problems with a clearer head after going to the gym.

Things can be put into a better perspective after a good workout.

And ... I like it!

Moderation~

No biggie!

When I over eat, I feel like hell! LIKE HELL!!!

Yuck!

Eating better has been one of the easier things for me to do.

I prefer fresh fruits and vegetables all of the time.

Paula and I share meals when we go out.

Last night after his gig at the X Theatre, we went to a restaurant and shared dinner. Then we shared dessert with our friend Stephen.

( he is on a earlier post.. and fellas.. he is cute and available!! =))

It was the perfect way to eat last night.

By the way... A huge shout out to Ronald Reagan for making Ketchup a vegetable!!

You Rock Ronny!

Momentum~

Here is the problem....

After losing close to 3 lbs. last week, you would think that I would be going with that build up of momentum from such a good week, right?

Nope.

Not me.

DAMN!

I don't know where I lost my momentum, but if you find it... I WANT IT BACK!

You can keep the weight... please just give me my momentum back

Please =(

My wish for us humans....

May we all find our motivation, Momentum and Moderation...

May they help keep us happy and healthy.

Tuesday.... Weigh in day!!!!

2009-02-10T15:04:00.008-07:00

One day soon, I will have kick ass arms
like these women!!!

Today is Tuesday so it must be weigh in day at WW.

I lost 2.8lbs this past week!!!!

And for those of you that have and will ask.....

NO! I DO NOT WANT THEM BACK!!!!

I don't care if you or a friend found them... they are your to do whatever you wish with.

Now then....

I know I could have done better last week.

I could have worked out more than just twice last week.

I could have paid more attention to what I ate.

I could have taken the stairs more times than I did.

But oh well.....

I didn't.

In not doing those things though, I realize how easy it is to add little things to my day.

Take the stairs one extra time a day... and keep adding to it.

Before I know it, I will be running the stairs and not trying to suck all of the air in the building into my lungs!

On the two days last week that I went to the gym, I felt much better and left with a clearer head and was able to put little nagging things into perspective. Also.. I was able to plot my take over of the world with a clearer mind!!!!

So I will do my best to work out a little more....

Take the stairs at least once more a day....

Eat something healthy... even if it isn't Flamin' Hot Cheetos.... (thanks for those Kelby=))....

Take time for myself to breathe and let little things go...

Keep working on my Evil... I mean my loving plot to better the world...

And just to be happy!!

Forgiveness

2009-02-08T20:18:00.006-07:00

"People were saying, maybe we should open the wounds, cleanse them so they don’t fester. Pour balm on them. And then maybe, maybe, they would heal. Forgiveness is not cheap. And reconciliation is not easy. But with forgiveness, we open the door for someone. Someone who might have been shackled to the past, to break loose the shackles, walks back through the door and into a new future."

Archbishop Desmond Tutu
From ‘The Wisdom of Forgiveness"
His Holiness the Dalai Lama
With
Victor Chan

I am beginning to truly realize how important forgiveness is in my life. It is not always an easy thing to give or to accept. But forgiving can be a release for yourself. A new beginning and lead to an amazing and bright future.

Archbishop Tutu says... ‘But with forgiveness, we open the door for someone. Someone who might have been shackled to the past, to break loose the shackles, walks back through the door and into a new future.’

That is how I am starting to feel…. That by working towards my weight loss goals, I am breaking loose of the shackles that have been holding me hostage.

I will work on forgiving myself for my weight.
I will own what is mine. My own is enough.
But… I will forgive… me.

I will forgive the people in my life that have not always been helpful to me or a true friend. I will let go of their unkind words and actions. I am not the person they seem to think I am.
Forgive and let go.

I will accept the apologies from friends that have given them.
I forgive the words of the past and look forward to the new words of our future.

I forgive myself for not liking me.
For trying to hurt myself.
For giving up on myself.
For letting my weight get this far out of hand.
I will work on forgiving myself.

I forgive myself for having depression.
I can’t help having it.
It is not my fault if my brain chemistry is not always working correctly.
It is okay that I need to take medication for my illness.
It keeps me healthy.
It is okay.
It’s not easy.. but it’s okay.

Forgiving myself and others is going to help me reach my goals so much faster.

I have a wish for everyone out in the world……
I wish for you to forgive yourself and others…
Let go of what shackles you and let yourself be free.
We will find ourselves on our journey through life.

Me and Inspirations

2009-02-06T10:42:00.017-07:00

I just realized that if I am really going to do this I need to put some of my information out in public.

No... I am not ready to tell you how much I weigh..... Let us just say that I would be fantastic for the 'Biggest Loser'!!!

But I did go and weigh in at WW Tuesday the 3rd of Feb.

I had not been there in 4 weeks.

In that 4 weeks I had only gain .4 lbs.

So basically I maintained my weight. Not a bad thing.... just not losing.

So I hope that next week there is a loss to report to you.

I also want to introduce to you some of the people that inspire me to be a better me.

These are people that have my back no matter what.

It is so important to have a network of friends that understand what is going on and are willing to help you in whatever way they can.

Some friends are there to help push...

Some to kick your ass when you need it....

Some to just talk you through a rough day...

Some to go get a cheeseburger and fries with... (but then they make you go for a walk)...

Some just sit with you and let you think through your day.... quietly and comforting....

Meet a few of these people in my life....

I will introduce you to more as we go on....

My Girl Melissa

Melissa is an amazing young woman!

She inspires me because of her strength and fantastic outlook on life.

Wayne and Helen

Two of the best friends you could have in the world.

He is the quiet strength that you need.

She sees what you don't see and guides you.

They both help you find your way when you are lost.

Mom and Dad

I couldn't ask for two better parents in this life.

Dad isn't with us now, but if he were here, he would be one of my biggest cheerleaders.

And Mom..... She is that solid rock that I can go to at anytime...

She is always there for all of her kids.

Tom Hussey

My science guru.....

Do you see that smile on his face?

That is what he gives me. It is AWESOME!!!

Todd and Scott

Talk about being accepted for who you are....

These two young men ROCK!!!

Todd will soon be my health and exercise guide and Scott is my motivator.

They are as amazing as their parents.

Andre

My big brother

Need I say more?

Stephen

Always there with words of encouragement.

Always!

Paul

And of course there is Paul.....

My best friend and my husband

He is everything I need and more.....

I do this not only for me, but him and for us.

We are going to have a long life together

(shhhh... don't tell him... I want to surprise him!!!)

Top Model RANT!!!

2009-02-04T17:56:00.008-07:00

"Plus Size Woman Wins Top Model"

This beautiful woman, Whitney Thompson, was the first plus size model to win Top Model.

She is a size 10!!!

I mean really... A SIZE TEN... is a plus size???

OMG!!!

Can someone please explain to me how a size 10 is a plus size???

I do not understand this at all.

I know that I am a intelligent human being..

I have the test scores to prove it...

but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how this happened.

Since when does a size 10 equal 'a plus size model?'

Come on, are they serious?

Good luck finding a size 10 in a plus size store such as Lane Bryant!!

I would kill to be a size 10!! Hell, I would kill to be a size 12 or 14!

I would shoot Dick Cheney to be a size... no... no... wait a minute...

I would shoot Dicky boy for nothing! That one is on me!

Sorry... I digress.

Size 10 = plus size......

And some people wonder why kids are growing up with such huge self-esteem issues.

Young girls mainly see thin, very pretty, and very made up women on television and in the movies.

Young boys think they have to be these big and buff guys that they also see on television and in the movies also.

They are told they have to look a certain way, act a certain way, wear only popular labels of clothing.. it is crazy.

Don't kids have enough pressure on them today without this extra junk loaded on them by society??

It clicked for me one day while at the mall shopping.

I saw and heard a kid crying for a pair of Nike's. He was having a fit.

His mom asked why he was acting that way and he finally said that he was the only one of his friends that didn't have those kind of sneakers and that the other kids were making fun of him.

He just wanted to fit in.

I tell you this story because people like me... people who are over weight just want to fit in and be taken seriously.

Being over weight sucks!!!!

It is very difficult to fit in.

I am very lucky in the fact that I have some amazing friends and family that see past my weight and see me for me.

Not everybody has that.

And I still get looks sometimes and if my husband Paul is with me.... He is ready to go and hurt the people that give me 'those' looks.

And you know the kind of looks I am talking about.

It can be embarrassing at times.

There have been and continue o be times that my husband will ask for a chair with no arms for me so that I can sit comfortably when we go out.

I sometimes won't go out to an event becasue I know that the theatre where the play is showing has small seats.

Or becasue i don't feel good in the clothes that I find to wear.

I think twice about doing or going most places.

So what are we as a society, or as individuals, going to do about it??

How does one go about telling retailers and the fashion industry that we will not put up with these ridiculous assumptions, that a size 10 person is a "plus size" human being?

When is enough, enough???

Will a size 6 person be the next Top Model plus size winner?

What are we teaching our children to feel about themselves?

Hello and Welcome

2009-02-03T17:20:00.003-07:00

Hello and Welcome to The Bitch of Losing.

Come follow me on my journey of weigh loss and finding myself.

I will do at least one journal entry a week and hope to add more as I get used to doing this.

Also.... I will have photos and video...... of this journey. (Yea.. photos!)

Please help me reach my goals.

They are not going to be easy and I will need all of the help and encouragement I can get!

I am not going to tell you what my starting weight is.

I am not ready for that.

But I will tell you how much I lose or gain during the week after I weigh in at Weight Watchers on Tuesday mornings. I might not go every week, I truly don't feel the need to weigh myself every week. No one needs that kind of pressure!

NO ONE!!!!

If you have any great ideas, please let me know.

If you are going to be negative... please pass this blog by.

I don't need it , nor do I want it.

I will also be sharing with you my journey of finding my path.

I have depression and I know that my weight has been a major part of that.

Hopefully, while losing weight, I will find the me lost inside of myself and lose my depression along with my weight.

So here is day one.

Talk to you soon

Michele